News
Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
2+ hour, 3+ min ago (50+ words) The post Felt Beard Taped To Child's Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go appeared first on The Onion. Wednesday, December 24, 2025 Time to migrate, if you haven't The stars didn't ask for this, you know....
McConaissance Quietly Concludes
2+ day, 7+ hour ago (33+ words) The post McConaissance Quietly Concludes appeared first on The Onion. Monday, December 22, 2025 Another boring weather day The stars didn't ask for this, you know. They wanted to be a barber....
Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex
5+ day, 7+ min ago (314+ words) TORONTO'Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players" Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between players. "The show"s portrayals of…...
Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
5+ day, 7+ hour ago (31+ words) The post Blue Drew Barrymore Could've Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule appeared first on The Onion. Blue Drew Barrymore Could've Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule...
New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids
6+ day, 7+ hour ago (251+ words) UNIVERSITY PARK, PA'Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant help from their parents…...
Joe Flacco’s Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom
6+ day, 21+ hour ago (333+ words) CINCINNATI'Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the…...
MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of Screen
1+ week, 7+ hour ago (170+ words) NEW YORK'In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. "With linear TV viewership in decline…...
Downer and Blitzin’
1+ week, 1+ day ago (31+ words) The post Downer and Blitzin" appeared first on The Onion. Tuesday, December 16, 2025 The stars appreciate your "whistle while you work" philosophy, but pallbearers are typically expected to be silent....
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
1+ week, 1+ day ago (252+ words) ST. PAUL, MN'Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you're listening to is…...
In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System
1+ week, 1+ day ago (98+ words) Monday, December 15, 2025 Just right to slip on a T-sweater In-N-Out Burger quietly removed "67" from its order call-out system nationwide, apparently to deter youths from erupting into cheers when the number was announced. What do you think? "I'm proud of the…...