1+ hour, 16+ min ago  (217+ words) COLUMBUS, OH'Expressing embarrassment at the sheer amount of time that had passed, local man Evan Pfister reportedly binge-watched an entire movie in one sitting on Friday. "Wow, I must have been staring at this screen for hours. Well, almost hours....

1+ hour, 16+ min ago  (103+ words) The post Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over? appeared first on The Onion. QR Code Invites You To Join The Pizza Dough Revolution Cyanide Capsule Includes 5 Milligrams Of CBD Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off Government Watchdog Rolls…...

17+ hour, 28+ min ago  (101+ words) MAMANUCA ISLANDS, FIJI'In a revelation that prompted widespread calls for producers to remove him from the reality show's villa, Love Island USA contestant Bryce Dettloff reportedly found himself under fire Thursday after newly surfaced photos showed the cast member wearing…...

23+ hour, 21+ min ago  (219+ words) Disney's live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive…...

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (116+ words) 90, passed away surrounded by family, friends, and a registered nurse who was kind of just awkwardly hanging around. The post Sue Klepper appeared first on The Onion. Cyanide Capsule Includes 5 Milligrams Of CBD Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off…...

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (148+ words) WASHINGTON'Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O'Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. "In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious…...

1+ day, 18+ hour ago  (102+ words) The Onion Cyanide Capsule Includes 5 Milligrams Of CBD Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off Government Watchdog Rolls Over Child Gains Upper Hand After Discovering Highlighted Parenting Guide Kraft Unveils High Fructose Corn Syrup Snack Cup Weather Not Deemed Too…...

2+ day, 1+ hour ago  (122+ words) In a touching tribute, the couple were married in the very same church the bride's grandparents had driven by once. The post Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice appeared first on The Onion. Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off Government…...

2+ day, 1+ hour ago  (291+ words) BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands. King Philip IV figures it'd be funny to make all the eunuchs sing....

2+ day, 1+ hour ago  (104+ words) This house goes by Jillian. Reference #5455426 The post Jillian appeared first on The Onion. Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off Government Watchdog Rolls Over Sparkler Strapped To Penis Cat Taught Not To Sleep In Wok Wife Embarrasses Husband In…...